Who's the Man?
by Sekowari
Summary: In an attempt to return to modern Japan...and away from Homura, Yuki must disguise herself as a man and steal the Sutra! What will happen when Yuki's life...and girl pride..is hanging in the balance?
1. A Not So Trendy Era

A/N: Sekowari is back! I'm currently on vacation right now. But I decided to write this fanfic after finishing a book. It inspired me to write this, and the main character in the book is similar to the one in here. The girl -- Yuki Tasuka -- is from modern Tokyo, Japan. Still, I gave her a little of an English way of talking. These are her musings as she gets transported (somehow) into Tougenkyou. Enjoy!

_**Confessions of the Utterly Superficial **_

**Chapter 1 - A Not-So-Trendy Era****_

* * *

_**

Oh God. Sitting in the most boring office on the face of the earth, receiving boring phone calls from customers. That's my job. I'm a bloody tourist who takes people around the world, looking at scenery. A huge waste of time, in my opinion. My life should be spent dwelling among designer stores and shops. Still, getting paid loads of money to see the world is fine with me as well. Did you know they have some excellent little stores in England? The last time I went, I bought the cutest handmade bag from a sidewalk sale. Quite authentic, mind you. Nothing like those fake designer bags that people fall for.

After getting off work, I must go and buy myself a treat. I mean, after working long hours at the office, I deserve a little something don't I? Yes, a perfect idea. That striped scarf I saw the other day is to die for! Also, a visit to Jacob before their sale ends would be nice. Perhaps I should get new scented candles for my bubble baths. Hmm...Ah yes. I'll stop by 7-11 and get the latest copy of _Vogue_ magazine. They always have those snobbish girls on the covers. Maybe one day, someone will want _my_ picture on the cover. God, yes. They'll love me so much that I'll be on magazines all the time! People will start calling me the Girl on Vogue.

At last, I walk out of the building to my waiting Lexus 330 car. It's such a beauty. My ex-boyfriend Amaro bought it for me as a farewell present when I decided to dump him. Looking back, he was quite a friendly bloke. I mean, who gives presents when you're about to break up?

* * *

Tick...Tock...Tick...Tock. Bugger it. Traffic in Tokyo is just hell. I really should start walking to and from work. My doctor advises me to do so. I hear exercise is good for your body. More time passes, and I haven't moved a bit. Bugger it. Now here's something interesting for you. I have a habit of saying 'bugger it' often. Picked it up from my English client at work. She's a snooty old bat. Still, I enjoy the fact that we both hate our manager. 

That's it. As much as I hate to say this, I'm afraid it's getting a little late. Traffic is horrid, so I'll have to get myself a treat some other time. I'll buy an extra large cappuccino and cookie at Starbucks first thing tomorrow morning.

* * *

Finally, I'm on the highway. The radio is blaring, cars are zooming by, and I'm in my own little time and space. Mmm. Bliss. Crap. Commercials are starting again on the radio. They don't play enough J-Pop anymore. Always commercials... 

_What?_ What's that I just heard? Some guy on the radio is talking about a Fortune-Teller Guru. Now that gets me thinking. The place is near my apartment, so to speak. I suppose I should pay a visit and get my fortune told. Maybe I'll win the lottery. No more bloody work for me!

I have arrived! It's a small place, but I'm ready. Inside those closed doors is my future! At long last, I shall be on television, and the world will see me as the Girl who won the Lottery. God, yes. Now wouldn't that be grand?

* * *

I open the door, and find myself standing in a tiny, dark room. Just like on TV, really. Perhaps something very cool will happen right here! It'll be on the news, and I'll be famous! Some way or another... 

There's a woman sitting before me. With a crystal ball and the whole lot. Not very authentic, on my part. I wonder if this person gets paid a lot.

I sit down on the plushy cushion awaiting me. No chairs, obviously. This must look as traditional as possible. The woman peers at me for a few moments, then says, "And what would you like to know about your future, my dear?"

I'm speechless for a few moments. Gads! That was the most horrifying voice I've ever heard. How can the bloody hag stand to hear herself talk all day? It's like nails scraping against a chalkboard. But soon, I compose myself, sit up straight, and say in the most businesslike voice possible, "I wish to know if I'll ever have a chance of meeting the Saiyuki cast."

...Okay, that was stupid. Ironic, even. But still, it was worth a try. I'm crazy about the anime Saiyuki, and am really dying to see those people in person. Sure, anime doesn't exist, but gurus are supposed to make these things happen, aren't they?

The woman nods intelligently. As if she knows what I'm talking about. Waving her hands over the crystal ball, she mutters a few strange words. A spell, perhaps?

I find myself staring at the ball. I can't tear away from it. My eyes won't move to look at something else. I'm gazing fixedly at the crystal, and suddenly, I feel very woozy. Bugger it. I can't fall asleep _here..._

* * *

Rubbing my eyes, I sit up slowly. It feels as if I've slept for a million years. Blinking a few times, I turn to observe my surroundings. What I see does not make me pleased. What happened to tall buildings, deparment stores, and the lot? It's all gone, and this place looks certainly familiar... 

Racking around in my brain, I come up with an answer to this. In theory, I'm currently in...Tougenkyou, perhaps? Yes. In the anime Saiyuki. I can't quite believe it, but there's really nothing else to believe. I guess that woman I went to was a real guru. Not so great on my part, after all.

Standing up and brushing myself off, I stalk off to the town center. It's quite busy here, believe it or not. I don't care much for the ancient scenery here. Seeing through windows of designer stores is much more preferred. Anyways, I've been to China more times than you've been in a shop selling Prada.

* * *

Being amongst these Tougenkyou people certainly makes me feel superior. Glancing down at myself, I realize that I _do_ look quite glamorous. I'm wearing my newest Armani top with rolled up sleeves, a black, striped skirt, and knee-high boots with low heels. And miraculously, my hair seems to have flowed down in a perfect manner today. God, yes, I look stunning. Why hasn't one of these people stopped me to take a picture? Oh...right. I'm not in modern Japan anymore. _Bugger it._

On the bright side, a few people have started to notice me. At long last. It must be my Gucci watch, which is reflecting the sun's light. That thing cost a fortune, but was definitely worth it.

I see a pretty girl coming my way from the opposite direction. I didn't realize they had Sleeping Beauties back in ancient China. As she gets nearer, she looks me up and down with a disdainful look on her face. God, I want to slap her. She takes one last glance, looks away, and smirks quite bitchily. I feel utterly exposed. How dare she! What, did she think I wouldn't see that?

No matter. It's behind me now. Anyways, did you see that gorgeous cheongsam she was wearing? A soft, light lilac, with golden dragons embroidered on it, and a silver lining. It's a _must have._ I'll buy an identical cheongsam here. God, yes. Why hadn't I thought of this sooner? I'm a genius! Come to think of it, I don't need money to buy it either. I'll simply bat a few mascara-covered eyelashes, wave my manicured fingers, and the dress is mine. People will start calling me the Girl in the Purple Cheongsam. I'll wear it to Mom's upcoming birthday party. Also, I'll get a matching sakura pin to spice things up a bit. Excellent.

* * *

My plans for now include seeing the Sanzo-Ikkou, and of course 'coincidentally' meeting Mr. Toushin Homura. That god's good looks and charm is to die for. In fact, he looks a little like my ex-boyfriend, Amaro, but only better. 

I mean, what with those two-coloured eyes (I should really consider getting coloured contacts), that fiery robe, that complimentary top which clearly shows his well-shaped abs, those matching praying beads...Perfect. So perfectly god-like...

A disturbing thought suddenly enters my mind. Now those pants...those pants are insanely unfashionable, no offense. Not trendy at all. Pants are important. They define a person's personality, did you know? Of course you did.

I just _know_ those pants would make his life different. Because he's worn those hideous things all his life, he was forced to date a ditzy girl like Rinrei. That stupid goddess is the living definition of _un_cool.

I know what I'll do! I'll meet Homura one day, and then in a flourish, I shall dedicate my life to him. I'll follow him all around the world, and be his obedient assistant. We'll learn to accept each other, and who knows? It'll be just like in the movies! I'll serve him, he'll respect me, and then we'll fall in love! Happily ever after! Now how cool is that? I mean, after thinking up this plan, Amaro is _so_ yesterday.

Okay, how to win his heart over...hmmm...I've got it! I'll wear a navy blue kimono, and take a samurai katana with me everywhere. I'll impress him with my martial arts skills (I really have learned it before). Maybe I'll don a sexy French accent, which I learned from my French client at work, and say that I came from the other side of the world. More eyelash batting, more finger waving, and his heart is mine! First thing I'll do is teach him all about proper fashion. No more ugly pants. We'll be stunningly perfect together. He won't even remember who Rinrei was. God, yes. I should have thought of this genius plan earlier.

* * *

Bugger it. My scheming plan is interrupted by the most spectacular sight on earth. In front of my eyes is the Sanzo-Ikkou! The _Sanzo-Ikkou!_ Here, in the same town! I must introduce myself to them. I'll say, "Hello, my name is Yuki Tasuka, from Tokyo, Japan. I've come to aid you on your journey to the West. Fear not, for the sutras will be ours!" This is where the French accent comes in. They'll believe me right away. I'll be the beautiful heroine that everyone has daydreams about! I never want to leave Tougenkyou ever again! Saiyuki all the way! God, yes. I'll be spoiled by the entire Sanzo-Ikkou. I bet Sanzo doesn't know that his bitchy attitude only makes him even sexier... 

Giddy with excitement, I prepare to waltz up to the Ikkou, only to realize that they're not there anymore. What's this? They've vanished! I turn around frantically, but I'm trapped in-between the bustling crowd of people. Out of the corner of my eyes, I see that purple cheongsam girl. Why does she look like that female who was on _Vogue_ last week? Oh well, I'll give up with the Sanzo-Ikkou thing for now.

Without preparing anything, I get pushed along until I'm at the edge of town. Maybe I'll have a better chance of meeting Homura if I'm constantly on the go.

* * *

After hours of painful walking, I finally plonk onto the hard ground in exhaust. Maybe I'll die here, and never get back to Tokyo. No one will ever realize that I've died. Still, it would be in the news. I'd be called the Girl who was never Found. That would be cool, wouldn't it? But I'm not ready to die just yet. 

Closing my eyes for a snooze, I luxuriate in comfort as the warmth of the sun plays on my shut eyelids. That is, until I notice that the light has been blocked off. I open my eyes irritably to gaze up at a tall figure. What's this? Blue and Gold? No. It can't be. I daren't think it. _Homura?_

Just my luck. It _is_ him! I don't know how to react. He's just staring quietly down at me. I feel my face starting to heat up. It's as if I'm an animal in a zoo. That look he gives me turns to a cold smirk. Without hesitant, he makes a grab for my wrists, and pulls me up. What the bung is this? He's dragging me!

Crap, I guess my plan won't work as smoothly as I thought it would. Nevertheless, he's taking me somewhere with him, so I have a chance. I wonder when I should dedicate my life to him. He'll turn all soft and whatnot, and –

* * *

I'm abruptly cut off as he horrifyingly throws me over his shoulder and carries me. How ridiculous. He's a war god. He should have killed me instead. Still, the view from his shoulder is quite nice. Looking down, I can see his ass. Ugh. But those pants are a no-no. 

The man hasn't said a word, and already I'm in trouble. Forget the plan, I want to live! I start to squirm, only making him grip me even harder. Oh God, those chains on his wrists are pressing onto my bare legs. It really stings, mind you. But I wonder if he ever considered looking up my skirt. I'm much trendier than Rinrei, if he failed to notice. Enough with that. The only plan I'm trying to think up now is how to make it out of this alive.

Curse that bloody guru. _Bugger it._ This is _not_ good.

* * *

A/N: Somehow, my Microsoft Word is acting up in a strange way. The apostrophes and whatnot don't look normal. Oh well, as long as the readers understand what I'm saying, then it's fine with me. Also, please give ideas for upcoming chapters! I'm afraid I'll run out! R/R! 


	2. Boring Bickering & An Agreement

A/N: I worked on the second chapter for awhile...but I honestly think I'm losing my touch. O.O Somehow, the girl's character doesn't really seem the same as in the first chapter. It must be because I haven't read the book recently -- the one that inspired me to do this fanfic. Oh well. Hope you enjoy this anyways.

**_Chapter 2 -- Boring Bickering & An Agreement_**

**_

* * *

_**

As soon as I open my eyes, my head starts to feel woozy. Bugger it. I must have fallen asleep once again. _Note to self:_ Must get rid of dozing habit.

I struggle to raise myself up...only to realize that I'm already standing. How is this possible? I'm certainly not like Sanzo, who can nap in a sitting position. _Note to self:_ Must ask priest how he manages his sleeping. But still, I'm pretty good if I can sleep standing! God, yes. I'll be called the Girl who sleeps Standing.

I proceed to brush myself off. It's an everyday routine, you see. My high quality cashmere must never be stained with the filth of the filthy ground. Not counting Goku, of course.

I frown as I realize that my arms are failing to move. Perhaps I haven't fully awakened yet? I stretch to relieve myself of morning exhaustion (is it morning here? Somehow, I can't see a darn thing, wherever I am)...only to notice that my arms are already raised.

And then it dawns on me. I've been chained up! What the bung is this? I glare upwards at my trapped hands, which are hanging helplessly in cuffs that are stuck to a huge rock. I drop my head in defeat and swim around in complete and utter misery.

* * *

After a few moments, however, I brighten up. I mean, come to think of it, if I'm stuck here, then some richly handsome superman of sorts will surely come to save me! God, yes. Why didn't I realize this earlier! No worries here, then. He'll come any minute now...

...Any minute now...No worries...

Any minute...

Tick-Tock...Tick-Tock...

Times up.

I'll wait a bit longer. No worries here.

Borrrreeed...

To occupy my time, I ponder over who would be kind enough to put me in this drastic situation. Hmm...

Drat it. _Homura._

I take back what I said. That foul creature isn't kind at all! His pants aren't either. What I mean is, he chains me up, and fills my head with supermen and heroes! I _knew_ he was planning this! I am _never_ wrong! Never ever...

Suddenly I feel old. My head droops even lower, and my trapped hands are even more helpless than ever. Maybe I should have just stayed asleep. Looking downwards at myself, I feel slightly better. At least my perfect clothing is still intact. And what's this I see? My feet aren't chained up! And no, I'm not hallucinating. Seeing is believing.

God, yes. The day is getting better already!

* * *

Gingerly, I raise my legs to test if they still work. I go halfway...and hear a horrible cracking sound. Don't be alarmed, nothing's wrong. Though I _do_ hate how that always happens. It's my kneecap, you see.

How nice. Bliss. My bones are cracking...which reminds me of Sophie, in Mr. Miyazaki's movie – Howl's Moving Castle. What does it feel like to be 90 years old? I close my eyes to recall my other favourite scenes. Mmm...God, yes. That movie was just..._fab..._.if you catch my drift?

Wizard Howl is so charming. Come to think of it, Amaro is _nothing_ compared to him! This is so ridiculous. I can hardly hold back my laughter.

* * *

I'm having a jolly time amusing myself...until I'm utterly interrupted by none other than Mr. Unkind (demi) God – Toushin Homura.

"Had a good rest, I assume?" He says to me.

"A jolly good time." I answer coolly. This man does not deserve my compassion.

"You're merely making things easier for me. I intend to keep you here for a very, very long time." And he gives me a smirk...only to add to his extremely annoying ego.

Can you believe this? He's keeping me here! With him! Not that I'm happy anymore, of course. I've completely changed my mind. I shall never devote my life to a fool like him. He can fend for his own worthless, godless life when the wolves start chasing after him.

"Why do you want to keep me here anyways?" God, did you hear how snobbish I sounded? This is just perfect. I should be bitchy from now on. Even the gods will bow down to me!

The toushin doesn't answer my question. Perhaps he doesn't realize that I'm waiting for a reply. He merely shrugs those (sexy?) shoulders of his, and looks at me.

I skip ahead. Who's waiting for him? I now start to struggle ferociously in a drastic attempt to free myself from these chains. To my great disappointment, Homura just seems incredibly amused at this.

I stop for a minute to give him a glare. "So you think this is highly funny, do you? Well I don't intend to be chained up for the rest of my life!"

At this, he says nothing. I wait for something like a glare or stare. But…nothing. Oh Gods, did you see that? There goes his trademark smirk again! Gods, I _have_ to punch that look off his soppy face. Hmm, so he's tougher than I thought.

I glance downwards. Surely kicking his nether regions would work fairly well? And those ugly pants just make me want to hurt him even more.

I glower to myself and say, "Don't you dare underestimate me, or I will really show you pain!"

"What can you possibly do in your current situation? Tell me." Bugger it. That smirk again.

"I can do many things in my current situation." I snap back. Really, I can. You're on my side, right? You have to believe me, right?

Oh well.

"So you think I'm useless? I didn't choose to be here with you! I mean, you're just a half god with no sense of fashion for pants, and one whole, loud mouth!"

That was good. _Really_ good. I would pat myself on the back, but sadly, I can't. Nevertheless, Homura seems slightly taken aback, much to my great glee.

On second thought, he looks pretty pissed now. I must be good at this. Okay, maybe I overdid the half god part. Or was it the pants? I can't remember anything else I just said. Bugger it.

Looking nervously at the toushin, I think he's going to hit me. That is proven correct. I prepare to scream as his hand comes flying towards me. What's this? My throat is closed up! I decide to shut my eyes tightly instead. Goodbye beautiful world...this is the end of me.

* * *

The air seems to shake violently as his fist collides with...the rock behind me? I nearly faint with relief. I have been spared!

Maybe he likes me better than I thought. With more confidence, I glance up slowly to meet his blue and gold eyes. My newly found confidence turns to horror as I realize that his face is dangerously close to my...breasts? Oh God.

Bugger it. I would rather have died than go through this. I hope he doesn't think I'm _flat_ or anything. Thank _God_ for Wonderbras.

Pretty soon, he realizes the awkward situation we're in...I think. He straightens up and looks away. He probably _would_ have apologized, but Homura just thinks too highly of himself for that. What a typically shallow character.

So, being the sensible person I am, I suck up and do the apologizing.

Hastily, I take a deep breath and blurt, "Look, I'm sorry for horrifically dissing your ugly pants, and I really think they're not that bad."

Homura looks...just stunned. I bet he didn't see that coming. Teehee.

Crap.

He seems mad again.

"And what is wrong with my pants, human?"

Okay, that was one lame response. It's no fun bickering with Homura. At least Amaro had _some_ sense of humour. Homura is now _so_ yesterday compared to him. Perhaps I shouldn't have dumped him after all.

Anyways, the toushin really is very shallow, seeing as he addressed me by the term 'human'.

Still, I should look at things from a different point of view. I mean, I haven't been reading _Vogue_ magazines for a while now, so maybe ugly beige pants are 'in' after all. I think Amaro wore something similar once.

But my fashion instincts tell me that this is not so.

Hmm, so it seems the half god really has zero sense of fashion after all. Stupidity, much? Maybe he only has half a brain too. Like I said, he just _had_ to date someone like Rinrei.

* * *

Once again, I'm falling into a trance of my own musings. That is, until my ears pick up sound waves coming from Homura.

After a few moments of explaining and lots of excessive smirking, Homura and I have come to an agreement.

Here it is: If I get Sanzo's sutra for him, he'll free me from him, or so he says. Can't trust shallow men...or gods, you know what I mean?

Whatever. I'm fine with this. I no longer fancy Homura. The quicker I get away, the better. He tosses me a knee-length dress, tied at the back. I must admit that this piece of cashmere is really cute.

So Homura is better at choosing girl's clothing eh? That's so kawaii. Wait a minute. _Girl's_ clothing? Oh God. Bugger it.

Dear Lord, I pray that Homura is a hetero...and not what I suspect him to be. I mean, those pants, and an addiction to ugly goddesses, and then _Goku._ Oh God. This is not good.

I'm interrupted – once again – by something hard clobbering my head. Shoes. Cute ones. Sandals.

My face lights up with delight as I pick up shoes that are clearly fit for queens...like me. These are so much better than flip-flops! I wonder if rocks will get into them. Sighing, I ask if I can refund the sandals so I can get back my knee-high boots back. The shallow bloke bluntly says 'no'. Just look at that smirk. _Feh._

Well, that's over me now. I'm happy. I hope Homura lets me bring these precious shoes back to Tokyo with me. If I get the sutra for him, I won't have to ask anyways. Free for all! Piece of cake. I should have suggested stealing the sutra for him at the very beginning. I mean, it's so obvious that the idea was mine, right? You're on my side, right? You have to believe me, right?

* * *

UGH. Well, here I am, out and going on my grand mission to retrieve the bloody sutra. I hate climbing and walking so much! Who ever said that exercise was good for you? Shopping is the only sport that I enjoy. Taking a break, I begin to wish that the Sanzo-Ikkou would just show up (like Homura did) and hand the sutra over like obedient dogs.

No such luck. After a few more hours of more exhausting hiking, I'm ready to die. Bugger it all. Where on earth is the nearest souvenir shop? I need to pee! And Homura still hasn't told why he decided to kidnap me in the first place. It _must_ be my charm. I'll settle for that.

The main point is, I have to devise a plan in order to get the Sanzo-Ikkou's attention. I know their location (credit to Homura), so that's one thing done.

-sigh- It's so bloody hot out here in the afternoons. Tougenkyou weather is bloody annoying. Far worse than traffic. Curse that bloody guru. Curse Homura...

* * *

A/N: There you go. I have a faint idea of Yuki's plan...so to speak. More reviews, more chapters. I'm not trying to be annoying, but I always feel extremely discouraged if there are no reviews. So clickie clickie on the R/R button!


	3. Perfect Plan C

A/N: I'm back! Still on vacation, so I'm sorry for not updating for awhile. Anyways, here's the 3rd chapter. Hope you all enjoy it! Also, I've decided to change the title of this fanfic, and a bit of the summary. Can you change titles? I'm not too sure. Anyhow, please R/R!

Disclaimer: I don't own anything, except Yuki and her superficial attitude.

**_Chapter 3 -- Perfect Plan C_**

**_

* * *

_**

Second day of my travels, and already I can't stand another minute of this. If you're interested at all, which I doubt you are, I'm currently resting in a bamboo forest that I happened to pass. You know, just enjoying the quiet scenery, and sitting around like a fat panda.

...Okay, I confess. I'm lost. But let's face it. You didn't expect _that_ coming, now did you? I mean, surely Yuki Tesuka would never get lost! The most important thing to do right now is to stay as calm as possible. I should really start meditating more. Anyways, making a big deal out of things is not good for one's health. Everybody knows that, right?

Like I said, I _am_ sitting and resting. So I take this opportune moment to think up some ideas for my plan. It has to be good too. Good enough to fool even Sanzo, and brilliant enough to help me earn my freedom back. Speaking of freedom, don't forget that I'm still boiling mad at Homura. Bloody God….Bloody annoying, and crazy about disgustingly ugly pants. I'll have his head once I get out of this mess...

Back to thinking. Hmm...

Maybe I should show up once they start traveling again, just 'coincidentally' bump into them, and act all Mary-Sue-ish.

...No. The Sanzo-Ikkou would never, in a million years, buy that baloney.

Or how about...I know! I'll ask Homura to help me out. He can pretend to have kidnapped me, the glamour girl, and then the Sanzo-Ikkou will _have_ to come save me! Thank God Gojyo's going to be there. I mean, who can't resist me? No one, of course. And it wouldn't be a made up plan either. Homura is making me work for him, after all. Similar enough. Even better, if they can kill the god once and for all, I'll be free, _and_ I won't have the trouble of getting the sutra! GOD, yes. Perfect. Genius.

But wait. On second that, I'm not walking all the way back to Homura! I'll die before I get there. No one can make me go through that torture. And besides, I won't have enough quality time with Sanzo if he just comes to save me, and then leaves! No, that just won't do. I won't settle for that.

And so, after racking around in my brain awhile longer, I at last come up with brilliant Plan C. I'm very positive about this one. It's a definite winner. Curling my lips up devilishly, I close my eyes and go over my newest scheme.

Here it is. What better thing to do...but disguise myself as a _MALE? _I mean, the Ikkou can't turn me down now!

It's settled then. Excellent job on thinking, Yuki Tesuka. I pat myself on the back. Hope no one saw that.

* * *

Suddenly finding lots of new strength and courage, I flounce upwards and trudge forward once again. The first thing that comes to mind, of course, is to transform myself into the desired opposite gender. 

After nosing around a bit, I come across a lake and waterfall. Eagerly, I strip myself of the now-sticky dress, peel myself free of the sandals, and cannon-ball (a bit over-exaggerated there) into the lake.

Need I tell you how bloody good the cold water feels like? Mmm...

Splashing and swimming around, I settle down beside a flat rock. I suppose I should tie my hair into a bun, the way Chinese men do in Ancient China. Or maybe a braid. Yes, that'll do.

Or maybe I should just let it down naturally. I mean, Tougenkyou isn't my _exact_ impression of the olden days. But then, I'd still look like a female probably. The braid, yes.

I need to lower my voice, too. That's a little sad...

Maybe I can still keep the sexy French accent?

Clothes. The best part. I suppose I should keep the sandals and maybe steal Homura's cape. He doesn't wear it anyways. He drapes it across his shoulders. Showing more of his sexy body will do him wonders. And by that, I mean attracting girls that are prettier than the Ugly Goddess.

And now onto make-up. Drat it. I guess men don't wear make-up, now do they? Lip-gloss, maybe? No, I wouldn't want other guys to think that I'm a…._AHEM._ Moving right on.

* * *

My musings are interrupted by a light chuckling close behind me. Making sure I'm completely underwater first, I whip around to meet the eyes of...Homura. 

Giving him a beastly glare, I say, "Just _what_ is so funny?"

He's clearly even more amused. "Why you, of course. You're entertainment of the day. I hear that you plan on having a sex change." The fat arse gives me a smirk.

I can feel my face visibly flushing ten shades of red all at once.

"How did you know?" I hope he can't read minds.

"You might want to consider speaking a little softer next time. Also, your French accent is out of the question. And no, you may not take my cape. Don't even think of stealing it. But thank-you for suggesting that my body is overly _sexy._"

For a second, I'm dazed. Confused, too. And then I realize. Oh, _bloody hell._ Did I say all that out loud? He must have been following me around for some time.

I don't know how to reply. The first thing I can think of is, "You _pervert_! You've been watching me bathe, haven't you? Did you find me very satisfying?" I mentally congratulate myself on this smart reply.

The god seems to be surprised. Good.

Composing himself, he looks at me and says, "Yes, you were quite satisfying, indeed. Not that I was paying much attention at all, really. Your choice of words were much more interesting."

To be honest, I'm slightly disappointed. My body is literally close to drop-dead gorgeous! Perhaps I shouldn't have covered myself so much.

"Well at least I'm not missing anything in the important regions." I retort at him. By that, I hope you understand that I mean my upper parts. The _hills._

"Indeed. Not missing anything indeed." Homura pauses a minute and seems to ponder over this. He continues, "But you will once you get a sex change." He finishes off with another smirk.

I'm stunned. _Sex change?_ Bloody hell, this guy _is_ a pervert! Either that, or he didn't understand my plan correctly. I intend to set him straight.

"Listen, I am not getting a….change. It's a disguise, alright? You told me to get the sutra, didn't you?" I wait for his reaction.

"I get the sutra part. But I really misunderstood the sex change."

My triumph fades. I'm seething. _Why_ must he keep saying those two words? Something tells me that Homura will be nagging me about this for a very, _very_ long time.

He doesn't wait, but continues to speak. "I should have realized sooner. Accept my apologies for being so..."

"_Stupid?_" I finish readily for him. He blinks at me. And then, he laughs. At me! The bloke is actually laughing! But..._real laughter!_ I'm shocked, in an amused way. That dies quickly though.

"You really are quite the entertainer, girl. But listen, of course I knew you weren't getting a sex change (_Again_ with that. I see why Sanzo is always so uptight). I'm not _that_ dense."

"Then why did you act so..._clueless?"_ I have to find out.

Homura shrugs. "I just like screwing with you."

Excuse me, but did you _hear_ that? That unbelievable, stupid, shallow, _mean JERK!_ He insulted me, for crying out loud! Definitely a war god.

Satisfied with my reaction, Homura notifies me that I look like a stunned goldfish. Turning, he leaves. In his place is now a neat pile of men's clothing.

At least the bonus to all this is that he actually approves of my...sex change. Right. I shall never speak of that matter again.

* * *

Climbing out of the lake, I get dressed, tie my hair into a perfect braid, and take a glance in the clear lake. I must say, I look pretty dashing. Not to mention that it's all natural beauty too. My make-up is gone, of course. Now, I'm an average teenage boy of Tougenkyou. _Awesome._

I really must develop the skill of speaking like a male. It shouldn't be _too_ bad.

* * *

At last, I am now walking in the streets of my destination. Holding my head up, I put my hands in my pant pockets and trudge around. As I pass a jewellery stand, I can't help but marvel at the beautiful accessories. 

Frowning, I sigh and remember that I can't allow myself to be interested in these things any longer. I'm a _man_! A manly man, if you catch my drift. Standing beside me is a group of girls. Sure, they're snobby, but I swallow my disgust. I've gotta see if I have boyish charms. Time to put my plan in action.

Getting closer to them, I flick my long braid to get their attention. Casually leaning on the booth, I let out a slow whistle in their direction. Don't ask me to wolf whistle. I'm not _that_ desperate. But it's good enough.

The girls turn in my direction, and giggle when they see me. I hope I look convincing. Will they figure out the real me? Don't think so. They're practically drooling.

"Ne, you aren't around these parts, are you mister?" One of them sizes up towards me, and bats her eyelashes. The Brave One. Hmm. Of course I'm inwardly disgusted. Please, I'm not attracted to the same gender, but I've gotta hide it.

I reach out slowly and finger a lock of her brunette hair. She chuckles lightly and pulls me to her. Instinct tells me to shove this naughty whore away, but I gotta prove myself good enough to do this mission.

I lean in and say, "Not in public, my precious." It's a whisper, so at least she can't hear my voice clearly enough to know the truth.

With that done, I gladly draw back. As a finishing touch, I give them all a trademark smirk (Must be Homura's influence). I swear they're about to swoon.

Acting as if I don't care, I stalk off again without a backward glance. That went smoothly, wouldn't you say so? Hehe, I'm actually pretty good at this! Maybe I'll ask Gojyo to teach me a few nifty tricks or two.

* * *

Not far from the booth however, I stop dead in my tracks and stare with huge eyes at a bar looming in front of me. 

It's not the bar that interests me, however. It's the people walking towards it. The _Sanzo-Ikkou._

Oh bloody yes, I'm nervous. My courage is all gone. Curse that god for making me go through with this mission.

Oh, yes. You can't even begin to imagine how much I want to run away...

Taking in deep breaths, I follow them into the bar hesitantly. As I open the door, I am met with a warm draft, and walk face-to-face, straight into the Sanzo-Ikkou.

If I ever make it out of this alive, I'll sue Homura...and _kill him._

_

* * *

_

A/N: There you go! I've thought about the male disguise for awhile now. More will come sooner or later. Probably later. But Yuki will, of course, end up travelling with the Ikkou. Review! Also, have you realized that I always end the chapters with something about cursing Homura? I don't know why I do that. O.O

Yuki: Bishies for all! Me, mostly.

A/N: Of course, I won't make her journey all enjoyable. You'll see! Time to bring out the girl side of her! You'll know what I mean!


	4. Meeting the Ikkou

A/N: I'm back. Not so many reviews huh? I'm not writing any more until I get a review. It's bad if there are 5 chapters with 4 reviews. Honestly, can any of you please review? The main thing is, I think I'm losing my touch...this chapter isn't that funny. O.O R/R!

**_Chapter 4 -- Meeting the Ikkou_**

----------------------------------------------------------------------------

Fingering my braid nervously, I gulp in air to calm myself. What in god's name should I do?

The Ikkou turns to me (most of them anyway), and the redhead gives me a smile of greeting. I swear I felt a shiver go down my spine. Composing myself, I nod weakly back at him.

Stepping away for a few moments, I lean on a wall to stop from doubling over. Mentally, I slap myself. I'm a male now, for crying out loud! It's not like they plan on hitting on me. Though I'm still not too sure about the kappa.

Nevertheless, I have a mission to do, so I can't back out now. _Must stay focused. Must stay focused._

Facing the Ikkou again, I manage to blurt (in a low voice, obviously), "So you're not from around these parts, are you?" Not the voice that I wanted, but it sounds convincing. I hope.

Gojyo blows out smoke from his cig. "No, sir. You can tell, huh?"

Why is the kappa the only one talking? I glance pleadingly at Hakkai, who's smiling pleasantly (no surprise there); Goku's looking at me in a ridiculous fashion; and Sanzo acts as if I don't exist. Typical.

Meekly, I answer Gojyo with a nod.

"Hey maybe you can show us around town or something. Sound good?" He now slings his arm around me. I feel myself stiffen. He laughs.

"No need to feel shy or anything. We're all males here. Right?"

Right…….

The saru's talking. I'm listening, vaguely. "Can you buy some meatbuns for me if we tour the town?"

_Why_ is he ogling at me?

"Yeah….no problem…...sure…." I trail off. How come he never gets fat from eating so bloody much? I should ask him for advice.

I have no idea why they're being so nice. I'm a complete stranger. Must be my dashing charms, guy or not.

The kappa finally moves away with the rest of the Ikkou. Hakkai turns to me and says, "If you need anything, just ask us. We're staying on the second room upstairs." With that, he walks off (with a smile plastered on his face).

Oh, yes. I need something, alright. I need their bloody Sutra….

-----------------------------------------------------------------------

The day's advancing nicely enough. I managed to spare a few coins to get a room. Don't ask me where I got the money. I have a faint suspicion that it was the snobby girl in the market. The Brave One…..yes.

I sit myself down at the nearest table I see. Until I meet the Ikkou again, I have no idea how to kill time. How should I grab the Sutra? It's literally impossible.

Why, you ask, is Homura making me do the dirty work? I lean back in my chair.

It's cause he's too darn lazy, of course. Anybody could figure that out. I sneer at the thought.

A huge bang in front of me makes me jolt ten feet in the air (literally). I nearly fall backwards in shock. In front of me is a burly bloke with his fat fist on the table. He looks _really_ mad. At me? I certainly hope not.

The man shoots me a death glare and says, "Your puny friend there is really causing some trouble in my territory. Stealing my meatbuns and saying that you'll pay for them. Hand over the money…_NOW._"

I smile inwardly. I see...I'm dealing with a lunatic. "And where, may I ask, is my _friend?"_ Friend? Honestly. I don't know a single being in Tougenkyou. Homura wouldn't count as a friend. I'll just play along with this guy.

The bloke doesn't look impressed. He jabs his meaty finger at a person cowering behind him. My mouth drops in shock. _Goku?_

"What are you doing here?" I snap at him. Disturbing my peace…..why that little….what's the word…._bakasaru._

"You said you would pay for my meatbuns, right? I think you should give the mister here the money. He's pretty angry." The saru looks like he's going to pee his pants.

I'm not blind. Of _course_ I can see the bloke's mad. Part of me just wants to spank Goku and say that it's Sanzo's problem, and not mine.

But then again, I did say I would pay. Man, but his timing is sure bad….

Nevertheless, I am _not_ giving money to this beastly person! Goku or not, I refuse!

I size up to my full height (not even reaching the bloke's shoulders), and say bravely, "_No."_

He's furious now. Goku stares at me in horror.

"You better hand over some coins right now, or you and your friend will get in major trouble. I'm gonna show you some Mr. Fist." He raises his balled-up hand at me….and snarls.

Okay, time for girl action. _No_ one talks to Yuki Tesuka like this! I poke him on his beer belly and say, "Well, I'm _sorry_, but why would you need stuff from me anyways? Just reach up your fat arse and grab some dirty money!"

I finger him. Beautiful.

He looks at me. Flabbergasted, would be the right word to describe him. A Kodak moment. Stuttering, he backs away slowly and says, "I'm calling the authorities. Then we'll see who's in trouble. Scared?" The bloke sneers, showing a perfect row of stained teeth.

Perfectly scared. Not. "_Bite me."_ I snap.

That was good. Really good. The man gives me another shocked expression, and leaves the bar. I doubt I'll be hearing from him any time soon.

I turn to Goku to see him looking quite dazed. His open mouth turns into a huge boyish grin.

"_SUGOI!"_

I laugh back. Yeah! My first victory! Who's your man? Who's got the powaaaa...

------------------------------------------------------------------

Well, so here I am…sitting around as a guest in the Ikkou's room. They're staying here for the night. But come off it! _Their room!_ I can already start fantasizing….

To fill you in, Goku's is endlessly blabbing out my triumph…and snarfing mountains of meatbuns. I'm not paying for _those_ though, thank God. It's in God's (Sanzo's?) hands now. It's not like I'm rich or anything. My unpaid bills at home are already scaring me to tears….

Gojyo seems quite impressed with me after hearing the story. Of course he would! But anyways, he even commented by saying that my smart talking was even better than his Shakujou!

Truth be told, I personally think that his swinging chain thingamajig ain't that cool anyways. If you want my opinion, I would say his best weapon is between his very own two legs….

Ask any girl that he's snogged. I'm sure they would agree hands down.

Right now, I'm paying more attention to Sanzo, who just happens to be sitting across the table from me. God…he's so bishie when he's wearing those glasses and concentrating on his newspaper….

I involuntarily raise my hand to my mouth to stifle a burst of laughter. I can't help it though. A sound like a snort comes spilling out. He lowers his paper with a rustle to stare at me quizzically.

My eyes widen in horror at what I did. Thank the Merciful Goddess that the other three didn't seem to notice.

Hakkai's looking at the scenery through the window. He really seems to be enjoying himself. A bird flies across his vision and he laughs pleasantly. How odd. I raise my plucked eyebrows.

A sudden thought flashes through my mind. Ever seen those fanfics where Hakkai is paired with Yaone? I don't really go for those things. I mean, how can _anyone_ conjure up a good story with those two? You'd have to be a genius, really.

I can see it already…

---------------------------------------------------------------------

_/So Miss Yaone, what would you like to eat for dinner tonight/_

_And Yaone orders something…who cares really. Probably a vegetarian dish. At least, she's **about** to order until she stops and says…_

_/Hakkai, you order first. Please go right ahead./_

_/Oh no no, you go first! I insist/_

_/No you order/_

_/You order/_

_/Please, you order first/_

_/Oh no really. Please, you order/_

_---------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

AHEM. Yes, well, I'm sure we all get the main point here. Not to mention a whole lot of polite gestures and smiles all the way. Shudder. How can anyone bear to write something about that? I highly suspect that people would review.

My thoughts go wandering elsewhere. What do Gods eat? Honey nectar and sweet ambrosia? A dinner with Homura….hmm…..not a bad idea. It's something to think about. I'll have to invite him some time. Though of course he would be paying.

Oh, bugger it. What the bloody hell am I thinking?

I'm snapped to attention by Gojyo's voice calling me. Apparently, they're asking for my name. The entire Ikkou is waiting for my answer now….What do I do? Dear Lord, don't give me pressure. And _why_ is Sanzo looking so skeptical?

But honestly, what do I say? Talk about a major backfire on my part. I haven't really stopped to think up a male name for myself.

Turning to the Ikkou, I feel trapped. I'm sitting in my chair, and suddenly I feel so feeble and small. Sanzo's scaring me now. Perhaps he knows I'm female? And that overly pleasant smile of Hakkai's is actually pretty creepy…

"Err….Umm….Uhhhhhhh….Hmmmmm…." I'm stuttering. Not good.

Racking around, a light bulb flashes in my mind. Aha!

"Amaro!" I blurt. Well hey, it works doesn't it? Teehee, talk about thinking fast. At least I didn't act all stupid and say that my name was Homura. That would not go down well. I don't know many male names, in fact.

Bob is a classic. But I bluntly refuse to have myself be called by that. Goku would no doubt get it all screwed up and start calling me Bobby or Bobbina.

"Amaro eh? Not a bad name." Gojyo seems to be pondering over this. Hakkai beams, graciously accepting it as if it were the best thing that ever happened to him. Sanzo gives the smallest of nods.

"I think your name is super cool! Does it have a meaning?" Goku. Should've known…

I shrug. "Don't know. I haven't checked out these sort of things. Make up a meaning yourself or something."

Maybe I'll phone up my ex-boyfriend and ask him. I'm sure he'll give me some sort of answer. Anything. I mean, the guy's been having breakdowns ever since I left him….

------------------------------------------------------------------------

Nighttime! The best time of each day! Gojyo and Goku invited me to stay the night with the group.

I'm currently sitting in a cramped room filled with the smell of cigarettes, lots of bickering and gun shooting. God, I'm trying to rest here!

And I still haven't thought up a way to nab the Sutra.

I've decided to just lie around and observe the Ikkou…to see if I can get an idea for a great plan. My progress so far? Nil….nothing.

The only thing I've noticed is that they make up one busy family. First of all, Hakkai would be the lovable, caring mommy. Sanzo would of course be the violent, moody daddy. Gojyo would be the rebel teenager…you know, with dyed hair and way too many girlfriends. Goku would no doubt be the baby. Teeheee….

And Hakuryu could be the house pet. Or Only-Car-In-The-Whole-World.

I frown. What am I then? Nothing? Maybe I'm the stray dog that they picked up on the streets. I smile at this thought.

But part of me can't help but feel guilty and….somewhat sad. Sure, I'm having a blast, meeting the Sanzo-Ikkou in person and all, but the real reason I'm here is to….hurt them. I have to betray them later on, and lie to them too.

The thing is, I really can't let them know my true identity. I'm just like all those filthy demons that they destroy everyday. Doing all this for my own selfish reasons. If they find out my intentions, will they kill _me_ too? But I just want to go home….they can't blame me for this, right?

My face lights up slightly. Anyways, it's _all_ Homura's fault in the first place. If I'm lucky, they'll get rid of him for me.

But then there's the main problem. Even if I'm freed from him, how am I supposed to get back to my own world and time? Bugger it….

Seeing as my mood isn't improving, I sigh and decide to nose around with the others.

My first thought is to annoy Sanzo….so that's exactly what I do. Humming to myself, I prance up beside him. Hmm….so he's still sitting at the table reading the bloody newspapers again. And it's the same bloody copy too. What can you possibly get out of that?

He seems to notice my _very_ close presence beside his face. He chooses to ignore me. What a toughy.

I glance at him and say, "You know, smoking isn't good for one's health. You of all people should know…Sanzo-sama." Hehe…I know he hates being called by that.

He seems to be a bit ticked off. Or _very_ ticked off. "It's nothing of your concern."

Okkaaay….I'll just back away slowly now…

Nevertheless, being quite satisfied with myself, I waltz off again. At least I got him to talk.

The other three are just settling down to a game of Mahjong. I decide to pitch in. Not that I'm some expert. Goku seems to be very pleased that I'm joining.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------

-SIGH- Bloody hell, this thing is hard! Sure I've seen my parents playing before, but I'm Japanese, for crying out loud! This is clearly something made for Chinese people. What a sucker I am.

It only seems to be a few minutes, but I think Gojyo's starting to wonder if I'm a complete idiot. I mean, even the saru is beating me! How absolutely, bloody humiliating.

Okay, LOSER would be the word to describe yours truly. I lost, to put it in short term.

Huffing, I sit back in my chair and look at the winner – obviously Hakkai.

"Well what do you want? Don't ask for money, because I'm not some sort of overflowing bank." Sure, of course I've got to hand over some sacrifice for being the losing idiot. What did you think this was? A free for all?

Hakkai gazes at me.

"Gojyo…why don't _you_ ask?"

What's going on? How confusing. Why is he letting the pervert ask? Can't he think up anything that he wants to know about me? I gulp. _Nothing_ that Gojyo asks is good.

The redhead, however, gives a devious grin. I shiver.

"So Amaro-san, how many pretty young bunnies have you shagged so far?"

My mouth drops to the floor. How _appalling!_ Off in the distance, I can hear Hakkai scolding and Sanzo whacking someone. I'd rather masturbate myself than hook up with _other_ girls! Honestly.

I'm a man, however, and I'm going to act like one.

Smiling as innocently as possible, I say, "Why more than you of course. And I'm sure that's saying _a lot."_

Gojyo's eyebrows shoot up, Goku drops his meatbun (I swear it was out of carelessness), Hakkai gasps, and Sanzo snarls.

I beam at the stunned Ikkou and stand up, making my way to the blanket spread out on the ground. Waving my hand, I laugh and say, "Man, you people just can't take a joke, can you?" Of course it's a joke! You wouldn't question me, would you?

The most interesting thing happens. For a moment, the Ikkou seems to freeze on the spot, and the next moment, they're all back to normal. As if nothing happened.

How…bloody amusing. I climb to bed and breathe a sigh of relief myself. You can't blame them, now can you?

I mean, Gojyo quite literally just called me a lesbian…in a manner of speaking.

---------------------------------------------------------------------------------

I'm almost drifting off to sleep when I faintly hear Goku mumbling. Something about visiting the hot springs tomorrow.

I dwell on the thought until a moment later my eyes snap open as realization dawns on me.

_Hot…springs?_ Then that means….

Oh _BUGGER IT._

_--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------_

A/N: The editor is acting up...who cares. Please R/R! I have no idea if you guys find this fanfic very crappy. Probably, since no one's leaving reviews...


	5. Hot Springs Mayhem

A/N: Oh my. I really don't know how to begin. First of all, I must give my absolute, most sincere apologies to my readers. i mean, the last time I updated was nearly 2 years ago! Anyways, I was just reading over my reviews and felt really guilty. I guess I was inspired by your supportive comments, so here it is! The characters might not be exactly the same as before, since I needed to refresh my memory on the whole story. Also, I can't guarantee that I'll update again soon. It's quite surprising that I sat down and wrote this during a rather busy time in my school year actually. Anyways, enjoy!

_**Chapter 5 -- Hot Springs Mayhem  
**_

* * *

Oh my god. I'm here.

I'm actually here, standing in the hot springs changing room with the Ikkou! This is the perfect time to snag some priceless pictures of their _full naked bodies._

Yes, what a brilliant plan! After this, I'll take it back to Japan, and maybe I can even put them into a museum!! God yes, people will start calling me the Girl with the Fab Ikkou Pictures. I'll become fabulously famous, and then I'll never have to pay another overdraft! Now if only I had my camera…maybe Homura has a camera.

I'm about to get ready for some serious eye candy when I notice them all heading towards the changing stalls.

"Where are you all going?" I wail. How _unfair!_ How am I going to famous _now? _The guys spin around slowly to study me.

"We like to be conserved." Hakkai explains patiently.

Hold on one second. _Conserved?_ Since when was the Ikkou ever conserved?! What happened to the fan service? What happened to _justice? _This absolutely cannot be true. I refuse to believe it. This is _stupid. _I whip my head around to goggle at Gojyo disbelievingly, and he just grins back. Goku is gawking at me like I just said the most stupid thing in the world. Sanzo's already disappeared behind the curtains.

Well…I suppose I should follow their example. It wouldn't do to make a fool out of myself. I mean, now that I think about it, it makes perfect sense for people to be conserved! Whatever was I thinking?

"Oh…er…right! Of course we should be! Silly me!" I chuckle embarrassingly and disappear into the nearest stall, yanking the curtains closed at top speed. Homura would be _so_ proud of my speediness! I should enter a competition for speedy curtain closing! I think I have natural talent for this sort of thing. I really do.

Well, no pictures for me for now. I'll have to think of another witty plan. I mean, I'm really good at that. Look at where I am now! Having a relaxing hot spring bathe with the Ikkou, and they'll be all relaxed, friendly, wet, slick, _hot…_

Speaking of which, I'm in quite a bit of a problematic situation at the moment. Of course. I'm a _girl_, so I can't quite bathe with them. Maybe I could just put it very nicely to them, and they'll forgive me and let me sit this one out. No, never. I _must _fulfill my mission…but _how?_

* * *

I'm standing at the edge of the hot springs and peeking at the Ikkou cautiously. They're all staring at me expectantly. Actually, it's more like they're giving me really shocked looks. I have a perfectly reasonable excuse. I'm currently still dressed in my sandals, and tight pants (courtesy of Homura – I have a suspicion he has a whole walk-in wardrobe filled with them somewhere) with a leather jacket that I managed to get at a final sale yesterday at the market, albeit a little _too _big. Ok well, that's putting it too nicely. It looks like Gyumao managed to fit his enormous self in there and stretch it up a bit, quite frankly.

"Why are you still dressed?" Gojyo asks, with his eyebrows quirked upwards. Hakkai just smiles pleasantly, and Sanzo dozes. At least, I _think_ he's dozing.

"Get in Amaro! The water's all frothy and warm!" Goku is waving at me enthusiastically, as if he really thinks I'm going to get in fully clothed. Oh dear.

I decide to humour them a bit. Come on, Yuki, you can do this. I experimentally dip my foot into the warm water. Oh my, it's so comforting, and I just want to _melt_ right in. But I can't. I jolt my foot back dramatically and chuckle as best I can. Chuckling isn't really my _thing._

In the most apologetic voice I can manage, I go, "Excellent! The water is great! But…er…I don't think I'll be able to join you guys. You see, I have this…um…_really_ bad illness, and I can't touch steaming hot water, or I'll get all itchy and rashy…and…nauseous…" I dribble off lamely. God, lying really isn't my thing anymore. I'm losing my touch!

Gojyo still has his eyebrows quirked, Sanzo is now studying my strangely, and Goku is pouting. Oh gods no, please don't pout. No! Not the _Bambi_ eyes!!

Hakkai puts on a very patronizing look, and says, "Oh my, that's too bad. You honestly should have told us sooner, and we would have arranged for something else! But it's alright; you don't have to, of course. It's a real shame though. It's very comfortable in here!"

My god, is he trying to bribe me into getting in after all? I think I can see a gleam in his eyes. I really think so! I laugh, but my voice suddenly seems a bit too shrill for a man.

"Yes well, I think I'll just sit this one out. Don't worry; I'll be right here, on this comfortable rock!" I quickly sidle over to a flat rock nearby and pat it fondly, with a triumphant smile on my face. I plonk down in a flourish. Oh. It's not quite so comfortable after all. They should really get some more comfortable rocks around here! I mean, people _do_ have to sit on them.

* * *

I fidget around on the stupid little rock for the billionth time and decide to take this time to watch the Ikkou. My god, they really _are_ hot. Now why can't I have a trusty camera with me at a crucial time like this? I should start carrying cameras with me everywhere. Brilliant. People will call me the Girl with the Camera.

Gojyo has his eyes closed and a smoke in his mouth, his head pointed upwards to the sky. I'm speechless. He looks totally amazing, like those gorgeous male supermodels on the latest glossy cover of Junon. Sanzo is…well…_divine_. He also has a smoke; his eyes are closed, and his shining blonde hair is a bit damp on the edges. I just noticed he has really long eyelashes. I bet he was a model in his past life, too. And his _lips_ are soooo kissable. They're slightly parted, and I can't help but feel super tingly just looking at them. I bet they're _really_ soft. Hakkai is listening intently to Goku chatter away about…meat buns I think. How does he keep up that smile all the time? I need to smile more. I should really learn from him. He could be like Yoda! And I'd be…oh who cares. It's not like I watch Star Wars everyday. My eyes travel over to Goku. He has a cool limiter, actually. How come I never noticed? And oh my _god._ He really _does_ have abs! How is that even possible? Are scrawny looking boys supposed to have abs nowadays? That _must_ be the new trend. I can't believe I'm so behind on this! Not reading a good magazine is really getting to my head.

Alright, I'm fed up with this stupid rock.

"Ok, listen here, you smug little bastard. You win this time, but I'm coming back, and then you'll be gone for good. In fact, I think I'll replace you and your friends with…_loveseats."_ I whisper threateningly at the rock. Or perhaps I should wrap them up in Homura's pants. I can just imagine the conniving rock looking up at me with its satisfied little smirk. Cheeky little thing.

I straighten up and notice a group of young (and very hot) young men giving me strange looks. I've been caught red-handed. I can feel my face flaming. This is _so_ not how I imagined my day to be. Defeated, I trudge back into the changing rooms.

* * *

Looking around, there isn't much to do. No one's in here for a good chat, and there aren't those cool gadgets that are in the females' side, what with all the trendy blow dryers and nail polish and big mirrors.

Wait a second. This is perfect! Now's my chance to grab the sutra and run to my freedom! God, I'm _so_ brilliant. I could become one of those top secret spies!

I expertly sneak towards the basket on the shelf with Sanzo's bundle of clothes. This is it. I cautiously clasp the handle and pull it out. Oh my god, it's here! I hold back a little squeal of delight as I reach in to claim my prize. My heart's beating like a storm…what if someone hears?

Suddenly, I hear the doors slide open and someone walking in. _Damn. _I drop the basket and make a mad dash to a rack of towels and crouch down. The basket makes a clattering sound as it hits the ground, and the contents spill out. Bloody hell, why do they have to be made out of _steel?_ I'm definitely complaining to the managers about this. I'll have Homura shoot them down with bolts of lightning. Oh right. I don't think he has quite that much power. He only has his ugly pants.

I close my eyes, and pray to the heavens above that it's not Sanzo. Or anyone from the Ikkou, for that matter. I can hear footsteps coming towards me, and I think I'm about to scream. What a dangerous thought. I really do feel like a spy now. I mean, they _always _get into these kinds of situations.

The footsteps stop right in front of the rack where I'm hiding behind. Oh my god I bet it _is_ Sanzo! He must have some super sixth sense, or maybe I'm just a natural guy magnet. I'm about to give in and shoot up to blow my cover. Who knows? It might just work! I can picture it now…

_/"Surprise!"/_

_/"What the f-- What the hell are you doing under there?!"/_

_/"Oh I don't know, the rock was being a huge bitch, and it was boring as hell, so I decided to poke around in here!"/_

_/"Oh…um yeah, of course. I know exactly what you mean. I mean, I get like that all the time when Goku's in my face."/_

_/"I feel exactly the same way!"/_

Right. Sanzo and I will totally hit it off. We'll fly off into the sunset, and then it's happily ever after. It just goes to show how much you can get from a little quality time.

I'm so caught up in my little fantasy that I almost don't notice the mysterious person finally retreating. I cautiously peek out to see who it is exactly.

Oh. It's just an old fart. Bloody hell, I feel so _stupid_! I can't believe I was so frightened about an innocent bloke. He was probably just getting a spare towel for his exposed, flabby bum. I stare, transfixed, as he nonchalantly reaches down to scratch his ass on his way out.

Scarred. Absolutely scarred for life. But never mind that, because now I can get back to stealing the sutra! I scuttle out and grab the sutra off the ground. _Yes!_! It's _MINE!!_ It's finally _mine!! _I do a little jig around the basket and congratulate myself. I'm just about to make a bolt towards the exit, when a thought comes to me. I mean, I suppose I should tidy up his clothes and place them back, or everything will be too suspicious. God, yes. I _am_ quite made out for all this spy stuff.

* * *

I finish cleaning up and whiz out the exit, laughing like a maniac. I mean, I can't help being so _elated!_ Freedom is finally mine again! I'll never have to flirt with bitchy girls, or have a manly voice, or wear ugly, clashing jackets and pants again! I barely even notice the lady at the counter staring at me, bewildered.

Stepping out into the bright morning sunshine, I spread my arms and beam at the world. I couldn't be happier! This feels even better than when my first boyfriend asked me out! Ok well, maybe not.

I suddenly have the need to splurge on something in celebration. Confidently, I decide to march towards the market nearby. The first thing I _must _do is peel out of this disgusting outfit and get myself a gorgeous kimono. I think I saw some silk gowns at half price yesterday. I wonder if this is how snakes feel like when they're getting their new skin. Yes, that must be it. I'm very much in tune with nature. Maybe I could even go on National Geographic, and expertly introduce some wild herds of lions to my avid viewers!

I'm stepping towards the market, at least, I'm _about _to do just that when I'm suddenly flying hundreds of feet into the air. Oh my god. I didn't think I was _quite_ this excited! I mean, I'm flying. I'm really _flying._

On second thought, I have an ugly, sinking feeling about this. I think I know what's going on. I don't dare look down at my kidnapper. This feels extremely familiar. Preparing myself, I gaze down expectantly at a horrible pair of ugly, out dated jeans that would make any man cry in shame. Any man, other than Homura of course. I mean, I'd rather he wore a skirt than to have to see those awful pants. Bloody hell, those pants look familiar too. I realize in horror that maybe they _are. _Are they really the same? Does he even _wash_ his pants?

My thoughts are cut short as Homura mysteriously knocks me unconscious. How in the world did that ever happen? Why, why, _why_ does he always have to ruin everything? What if I die? I mean, I'm not _quite_ ready to go off to Heaven just yet. Especially not in these horrible beige jeans that Homura gave me. I would be in absolute shame. Whatever would Kanzeon Bosatsu think?!

…_Bugger it._

* * *

A/N: Well, there you go! Thanks to my reviewer Wolf for that awesome line about Homura's pants. I just _had _to put it in. I was originally planning for Yuki to be caught by the Ikkou, but decided to have Homura come into the plot again...with more of his beige pants. Review, if you please.

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